zen and the art of vacuum aspiration

today is the two week anniversary of mewithoutbaby. hooray! i cannot believe how fucking awesome this abortion was. did you know abortions can be awesome and special? i told my ex boyfriend that i was carrying his baby around in my unhappy stomach over a sprite in a bar and asked him to help me. i told a few friends as well, as part of my "don't internalize this fucking situation like last time when it drove you crazy" game plan, but i didn't expect to tell justin and it surprised me when i found myself in a bar all shaky and full of difficult information.

the crap i have dated usually gets poor treatment in this blog but let's go on the record saying justin was nothing but a perfect abortion angel and i would probably marry him if he was just a tick smarter. basically i was a princess for 24 hours, only with fewer patriotic duties. there is seriously nothing more precious and wonderful than the guy who got you pregnant throwing his unfinished sandwich at abortion protesters as you leave the clinic, yelling "YOU ASSHOLES!" and patting your knee with concern. "don't look at them, they're fucking assholes," he said, kindly. "you ok? want a sprite?"

the nurse gave me an ultrasound and asked if i wanted to know anything. last time i just muttered to get it over with. this time i looked at the peanut on the screen as the nurse said "your baby is at 9 weeks and 6 days" and it was like a brand new plane of existence. i made a peanut! holy shit! i felt no regret, just total awe and pleasure, in the sense of being incredibly pleased with myself for a short time. i still have no regrets and in fact the whole situation brought me incredible peace, resolving scores of latent guilt and anger from my last two brushes with unplanned pregnancy. turns out all i needed was to do it right.

it's always sunny in philadelphia

i don't know what to do. every day i am thinking something different and none of them are right. i am FUCKING pregnant. my STUPID FUCKING EX BOYFRIEND got me FUCKING pregnant. i do NOT want to have another abortion. i do NOT want to raise a STUPID baby alone or with stupid justin irritating my life for eighteen FUCKING years. i kinda want to do an adoption but all the stuff i have been reading is making me FUCKING TERRIFIED of the amount of shitty grief baggage i will carry around for the rest of my stupid life, because i totally will, i will convince myself it is the "right" thing and three years later i will be committed to an institution for extreme fucking unfitness to live. i know myself too well by now. i guess i am having an abortion, but i am a fucking wreck even thinking about it. please don't make me have another abortion. i tried to make an appointment on planned parenthood online and there is no option for just looking at my uterus and talking about options and baby health. just abortions and more abortions so now i am having a serious meltdown. i wish i still had health insurance so someone could look at my shit and talk to me in a calming voice. my tits are huge today. you can feel where my lower abdomen is getting hard. i don't know if i have ever cried as hard as i am right now, it is making me nauseous. i am so tired of making decisions for myself. this is the worst vacation ever.

if you like it then you should have put a lid on it

last night i got totally fed up with how stupid my stupid boyfriend is so i dumped him and now i feel like a helium molecule, but prettier and with more hope. god it is so great not dating morons. i have dated exclusively dumb pieces of ass since rio broke my heart into a zillion stupid pieces and i think i am done now, hopefully. at least i gave this guy a clean exit, the last guy i dated i made leave my house because he was so boring he was literally putting me to sleep, so i was all GOING TO BED NOW BYE and left 10 minutes later for a beer festival, which he caught me at. actually he caught me and kathleen drunkenly skulking out of the bar after i spotted him. literally skulking, at literal half height, with my arms all chickenwing. AWKWARD! so really my "this is not working out because you are very, very stupid and you told reverend lovejoy's wife to 'shut the fuck up you stupid bitch' when you were drunk" speech was a paragon of dignity and respect. screaming at the simpsons just made my list of dealbreakers. i didn't even know that fucking existed.

anyway the point is i am outrageously joyously S-I-N-G-L-E and i just booked a phlight to philadelphia! single ladies on vay cay! i plan on phlying a kite over benji phranklin's grave, and eating the shit out of some ethiopean food, after which we will get very drunk in our hotel room and watch cartoons. is there a boyz II men museum i should put on the itinerary, or what? please advise.

aesop's foibles

because i got lazy and drunk this week i had to stay up late doing bullshit busy work and i put on this mix cd that my ex boyfriend gave me that i skipped through once then put all the cute pretty songs on another playlist but last night i listened to the whole thing for real (instead of doing my homework) and i am physically appalled at what kind of shit i have been letting slide because of my tendency to get lazy and drunk. like for instance there is a weezer song on it. here is a piping hot memo for the mix masters out there, OH MY GOD DO NOT EVER GIVE YOUR GIRLFRIEND A MIX WITH WEEZER ON IT. i would be mildly embarrassed even if i got say "falling for you" on a mix but motherfucker gave me "HEART SONGS." literally a song by weezer about weezer. CUOMO WHAT?! also i got a sublime song about fucking a 15 year old, a new agey robot abortion by some guy named jeremy ellis, who should drown in his pukey voice, a ska girl power song in which the chorus backup singers say PICK IT UP several times in succession, featuring another pukey voice, who reminds me of some unwashed psychotics i met at lyndon larouche meetings, and the fucking beta band, who are the musical equivalent of a mud puddle stirred by wind. i suppose this is my punishment for dating almost without exception humorless stoners. i have seen it all, counting crows tattoos, awkward daily recitations of political hip hop, convoluted 4-track poetry tapes, radio shows featuring "ska vs. twee," and that is not even counting the time i fucked an american idol, ewww. this is what it sounds like when your life is a ridiculous series of mistakes. it sounds like a mix cd with fucking incubus on it. i have to go.

junk trunk trader

i went back to school somehow, which is the scariest and most humiliating thing i have ever done after fucking myself over in round one of higher education, and on the first day of classes i got into my car and there was a puddle on the passenger seat floor. like most car problems i ignored it, cars are like bitches, either they will shut up after awhile or ruin your life. today the puddle grew into a pond in both front and backseat passenger sides and it is rain-dumping season and my electrical system is going all HAL 9000 which is not particularly reassuring, so i took it to a shop on south tacoma way where this guy opened my trunk and there it was. lake you're fucked. he pulled out this plug thing and GALLONS AND GALLONS OF WATER poured out of my trunk and it was all yellow colored, i KNOW, CAR PEE, GROSS. my car is like 18 years old and it already needs depends. i could write a book about my ghetto car troubles. apparently i have to pay these orange jumpsuits hundreds of dollars for the privilege of driving my car for another two months until it starts to smell like a yeti vagina and i sell it for five dollars and a bus pass. i can't even lock it anymore because of the schizo circuits so i am hoping it will get stolen from my block which is in a shall we say "high auto crime area" and geico can cup my financial balls, oh yeahhh.

i would be angrier but i have this great new rain jacket, you see.

consider the lobster

the nurse gave me the diagnosis and i just sat there, vaguely confused in paper clothes. i am not ready for this. autumn in the northwest is always beautiful but full of rain and mist and today was the first misty day since early spring, and we've barely had three days of rain for months so it felt like a fresh start. a beautiful, clear, pacific autumn. autumn is when i lose control, drinking like it's summer and the days will never end and there is always another thing to do but it isn't and they do and it's harder and i end up drunk and crazy, story of my autumns. a miscarriage. a carriage i never missed. if i would ever have kept such a wretched goddamn carriage it would have been yours. not because i know i love you because i don't. not because i want it because i don't. not because of a million reasons that don't even matter because i missed. i am afraid of this body that constantly gives me new reasons to be suspicious and antisocial. i am afraid of this loaded knowledge the nurse gave me in a brusque tone without even looking at me. i am afraid of you, the constant i didn't even know was a constant, the x to my y. my stupid cat is being a diva and will not even sleep with me in my time of need so i am going to bed alone to have more nightmares about endless road trips through hell. i think i love you, but i am far too scarred to deal with this right now.

i will never forgive you for this. i am doing the mature thing, detaching, distancing, fucking someone else, distracting, thinking, drinking, sleeping with my bunny rabbit. i'm fucking done. i am getting better but i will never forgive you for this and i am never going to be ruined again.

whenever i used to stub my toe or scrape my knee or otherwise jack up my body my mom would say "that's the last time you will ever do that."



i hope everything that ever happens to you from now on is wholly mediocre. even bad things are too good for you. you are already fading. it would have been nice if you called to say goodbye.