so you wanna be a superhero

can anyone advise me in the matter of changing identities and disappearing off the face of the earth because i have had enough of this being me shit i do not think i am strong enough for more ventricular sabotage. you fucking, i don't know, you are past words. you even made my tantrum cute you precious piece of shit. i never tasted anyone elses tears before you said and i pretty much just walked out of the house and off a cliff into commencement bay drowning in the port lights and right now i think i am going to drink the rest of the whiskey that i haven't drunk in months and i have to be at work in less than 4 hours because every day i am paying for my old mistakes but right now i am going to drink this whiskey for the new ones. shit, i think i have to keep my identity because my parents cosigned my original student loans. this is the same thing that has kept me from suicide several times, imagining my nice parents working thru their retirement to cover my rotting white ass because i was too gay to pay for it all myself. i guess what i need is a million dollars and a shattered stiffening heart and i am already halfway there. for fucks sake.

"lurid"

your mouth is like your mother's with its curious cheerful twists and i get a little dizzy when you close your eyes and smile. i dunno what's going to happen. my brain and feet and eyes are sore from working every-single-fucking-day. at commencement sunday my skin fried to a crisp while i marinated in salt water watching all these stupid fucking people doing so much better than me. this is what it means to be a failure, trapped in retarded jobs in dead end towns watching everyone move away from you, lost in the plot. the rain came back last night. god there are so many losers in this world. everyone i sell things to is a fucking loser and i am going to become one too. i am always crying at stupid things.

super duper big ups to my roommate-love-muffin kathleen who totally just graduated summa cum laude phi beta kappa with departmental honors



i dunno what i will do when you're gone. ohhh, today is a fine day for stabbing some motherfuckers.

alveolar osteitis

getting your wisdom teeth out is fucking awesome because you are up to your ears in pills and you can walk around swollen to shit with your boyfriend and watch peoples' faces and if they say anything just look at him with your shining eyes and shiner cheeks and pull an amy sedaris. "he loves me!" you say. "i couldn't be happier! oaaaaoooouuuggghhhhh." oh my god i am going to cut off my fucking head someone please come over and cut off my fucking head.

i only have UTIs for you

ugh my vagina is all awkward today cos i fell asleep after fucking and now i have a uti. the only position that is not uncomfortable is the fetal position with two fingers putting pressure on my lady parts. obviously biology is a pervert of the highest degree, you NEVER hear about men getting uti's and having to sit in highly embarrassing positions in their room, nooo. last time i got one kathleen told me to drink a gallon of cranberry juice REALLY FAST and it would go away in a few hours, yeah right! of course i picked the beginning of work to start chugging ocean spray and the bathroom at my restaurant is single occupancy so not only was i eight months pregnant with cranberries and my vagina on fire but it was ablaze in the high visibility hallway as i waited for other people to finish, every five minutes. probably everyone thought i had the 'rhea or was mid coke bender, i should have assuaged their upper middle class fears. DON'T WORRY I AM NOT SHITTING SMELLY WATER GUYS I JUST HAVE TO MOAN WITH MY PANTS DOWN FOR ABOUT THIRTY SECONDS BRB. file that one under punk'd. apparently people love to feed my gullible ass fake folk remedies. one time erin told me to snort vinegar to take care of a stuffy nose, ha ha erin, that ENTIRE DAY i spent sneezing and clutching my nose was fucking awesome! oh hell i have to pee again.

i am dying under blankets with the flu and the kids are just screaming and storming around everywhere downstairs and my head is pounding and my uvula is trembling and i finally fucking lost it. QUIEEEEET! SHUT UP! (screaming continues) SHUT THE HELL UP!! i screamed from the top of the stairs. this is after three earlier, politer requests to keep it down as I AM SICK, not even on a rational plea for general noise control in a house you SHARE WITH OTHER PEOPLE, but because I AM SICK. anyways mary was pissed and i listed her smorgasbord of offenses and told her to buy out kathleen's and my portions of the lease or i will declare war and she said FINE and stomped off. so i am moving out! hell yes! no more horrible shrieking babies! i am super bad at yelling at people or holding my ground in arguments because i am shyish and diplomatic and self loathing but i totally said everything i have been meaning to say for months in rapid fire ragebot and there was nothing she could do except say FINE!

also two days ago i yelled at josh for flaking on me AGAIN after he offered (for the third time, with no prompting from me) to get me the clutch kit for my stupid broken car, i am done with that shit.

it was almost exactly a year ago that these two waltzed into my life and proceeded to anger and derail me from my purposes and i am so insanely righteously furious that i have actually called bullshit on both of them and am going to get my way for fucking once. what a sad little year it has been. i cannot wait to move. and stop throwing up.

cuchulainn's heir

i am so fucking over self determination man this shit is so played out. everyone keeps telling me they are proud of me for not failing at life right now, getting up in the morning work sleep work sleep work work sleep work sleep work work a double sleep work sleep sleep work work work fuck fuck fuck a fucking schedule and fuck my insane boss who drives around the south sound making bullshit decrees and fucking my work ethic that is making him tons of money to buy more mclarens and shit. fuck fuck shitfuck. i cannot express to you how totally fucking bananas my boss is. it is like working for the mafia, except it is just him and his crazy bipolar racist ideas and a bunch of mysterious cronies and things are "taken care of" and in return he does ridiculous shit that sometimes works out in your favor and sometimes fucks you over. i have hauled my seriously depressed ass to work at 5 am for how many months now, just for something to do so i do not turn back into the manic party monster paranoia-crippled sexually abused loser that i was a year ago, and i do not feel any better, i just have money in savings now. wow it was exactly a year ago that i was straight up raped. i fucking deserved to be raped i was the walking talking definition of pointless idiot but it still hurt my whole body like nothing i have ever felt it was horrible trying to delicately explain my situation to the er doctor after trying to stalwart thru days of excruciating pain and puking all the time and my brain does not get less delicate every day. it broke something in me that was threatening to snap for years. WHAT THE FUCK. i am so angry. i wanted something better for myself and all i can seem to manage anymore is rage that makes me sleepy with its powerlessness. i wanted to be happy and not be in debt and to make something nice for this crappy old world that gave me a few random shots at peace which i have fucked all to shit. i wanted to be happy and now i am just tired. working everyweekday at 5am for a maniac who upholsters his luxury cars with my efforts is not making me any better. i do not know what i need to do. god being alive and sentient is so fucking irritating.

love is a dog from hilltop

i spend my days curbing frequent intense urges to throw mary's ugly screaming babies in the trash can. what the hell was i thinking moving into this house? she is fucking loco and my days are spattered with frozen rage-face when i hear the constant stream of MOOOOOOOOM JADA IS EATING HER CEREAL! MOMMMMMMMM! MOMMMMMMM OLLIE GOT WATER ON HIS SHIRT MOOOOOOM! OW LET GO! MOMMMMM! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HOWWWWWWWWLLLLLL STOMP STOMP STOMP STOMP AIEEEE STOMP STOMP until i become so painfully agitated i actually pass out, clearly this is very healthy. anyways when things started to unravel i was like i'll just quietly deal with it as penance for my foolish and gullible choices and maybe keep an eye out for a nice dude with a non baby filled house but everyone in the general south sound area is criminally boring or they have aids or babies which i equate in terms of ineligibility. seriously if you think about it, how immoral is it to have a child in this day and age. how do people live with themselves. the greatest thing i have contributed to this world is a pile of bloody goo in a free clinic hazmat bin: the gift of resource management.

anyways the point of writing a stupid blog was to tell a story about how the babies AND mary AND her homely boyfriend were ALL gone this weekend so friday i had a post-bar party and megan brought over these guys she met at safeway on the way home and after emily went home puking megan tried to get me to have a threesome with some janky dreadlocked hippie. COMO WHAT. did i ever mention megan is trouble and a hot sloppy joe. also the two dudes he brought BOTH followed me around like a god damned legend, spitting out idiot lines i will not degrade my fingers to type and like trying to sneak in my bedroom and "cuddle." i kicked them all out and then octopus hair showed up on sunday afternoon with a bunch of the cheap "mixed" flowers from safeway and apparently went to my work to find me as well which is really embarrassing also apparently i gave him a fake number on friday and he called me on it. pardon me if i am reading the complicated male brain incorrectly but it would seem to ME if someone gave you the wrong phone number it is even more insulting than not giving it to you at all and you should NEVER EVER show up at their house with flowers that don't even smell nice. dignity died and this dumb fuck spit on its grave. i have seven months left in this hell if i do not kill myself first. the nice thing about being dead is it gets you out of your lease.